Things are going well. I’m really starting to make a name for myself with photography; I’m getting commissioned out by a multimillion dollar corporation.

Falling for a girl that is already in a relationship was probably a fucking terrible idea.

I guess I’m full of terrible ideas.

It sucks being lead on but I should probably cut my loses and continue to live my life.

I have everything going for me which makes me feel terrible about not wanting to be alive. For the first time ever my mom has been texting me “I’m so proud of you!” She’s been seeing a counselor about her own parents which makes me feel sad that they fucked up her life enough to see a counselor. She’s been telling me about how fucked up her life has been because of them. I’m glad she’s getting some closure from it all. It feels good being close to someone without requiring any sort of sexual relationship, where someone can open up to me entirely without me having to fuck them first.

Having my new job, I’ve occasionally been driving past one of my childhood homes on my way home from work. I’ve made a pretty good point of forgetting most of my childhood, but it feels like every time I drive past that place on Cook Lane, I remember more and more. My mom’s boyfriend at the time was a real piece of shit, if I ever see him again I’ll…

I’ve now attributed my lack of confidence in things I know I’m fucking incredible at directly to him. I’ve started remembering times where he told me “You’re going to go to hell, you little unbaptized bastard” “You’re going to burn in hell, bastard” “You’re nothing and you aren’t even that smart”

I’m now realizing that that is the shit that you say when you’re a grown ass man threatened by an eight year old boy who is already smarter than you. That shit really fucked with my development. It has only taken me like 20 years later to realize I’m better than him.

Fuck.

I think the state I’m in is super fucked up. I’ve been missing my ex-gf more than anything. I’ve thought about her everyday since we broke up. She broke the silence and text me the other night after a few months. She apologized for everything. She admitted to fucking up. She told me she missed me and wanted to know when she could see me again. We ended up talking on the phone for 20 minutes and made plans to go see the new Star Trek movie the week after it comes out from a mutual interest that I turned her onto while we were dating.

The part that is fucking me up is that I literally couldn’t care any less about her than I do right now. I feel horrible because it makes me feel like I just wanted to hear her say that I really was worth it. I feel horrible because the only person I’ve literally ever considered putting a ring on has officially been put in my “friend zone” if you will. 

A week or three ago a very close friend to me said “When are you going to stop being a pussy and patch things up with [insert name here?]” which sucks to hear when they know the whole situation, but it actually made me think of a response. “Never, she will never see from my perspective” which sucks because she broke down and pretty much told me everything I needed to here. I told my friend that I had talked to her the other night and said how she “missed me” and he was pretty adamant on making sure I knew that is was a very bad idea to even conversate with her. “Remember, People don’t change…Circumstances do…”

The cynical aspect of me really makes me think “Why are you saying you miss me? What happened for you to all of a sudden want to choose me again after shutting me out? Did you get played and I’m now your second choice? Why the fuck the change of heart?”

It sucks because I really just can’t trust anyone. I wish everyone were as transparent I am. It feels validating to hear that I wasn’t wrong. She WAS everything I ever wanted but the fact that she lost sight of it makes me want to cut her off completely. Then there is the aspect of myself that realizes that I’ve done the same and completely regret my decision completely and entirely regretted it.

fml. I should just stay single and not talk to anyone ever.